Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Randomize
