I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Randomize
