I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
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