If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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