Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I'm bleeding and have questions
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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