omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
