i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Randomize
