I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Randomize
