Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Randomize
