Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
