I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
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I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
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This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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