When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
