We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
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