You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
