you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
