Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
