Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
sex in a hospital.. check
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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