i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
