I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
Randomize
