I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
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