Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Randomize
