I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
