I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Randomize
