hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
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