Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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