Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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