i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
