There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
