You're so nebulous sometimes
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
