Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
