I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
