Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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