you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm passing your future prison.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize