Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
this is amy. the small petlike person from the womens bathroom at the reef.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Randomize
