You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Randomize
