3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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