My sheets look like a crime scene.
come over anyways, right now, right this second
it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Randomize
