yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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