i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
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