...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Randomize
