I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
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