I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
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