One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
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