i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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