U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
