My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
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