Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
