Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
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