I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Randomize
