the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
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Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
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And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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