Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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