i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Randomize
