My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
Also, beer. Big fan.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
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