I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Randomize
