My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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