When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
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Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
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I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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