I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
