I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
whose ass print is on the piano?
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
